Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
