she was so not down for the gang bang
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
