Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
