She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
