I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
