We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
