Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
