My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
