i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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