Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
