In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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