Don't make out with my wife yet
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
