Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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