1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize