Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
