I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
