After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
