He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize