it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Randomize
