My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize