I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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