I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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