this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
he told me I talked like a deaf person
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
