he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
