I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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