I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Please don't give away my fajitas
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