i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
