Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Randomize
