ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize