I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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