kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
This is the high leading the old right now
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
