So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
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