if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Randomize
