I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
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