Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize