i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
