The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
