bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
