i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
