Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
