the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
