Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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