sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
