For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
