I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
