I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize