I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
