Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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