Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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