How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
