Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
