Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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