Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
