apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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