So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize