I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
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