I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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